As serious as scuba is, it is funny too, we have to laugh at some of scuba diving quirks so here’s to a fun day of diving and scuba laughter! Please folks don’t take this too seriously or personal.
Rules of Diving
- Don’t take up diving to get a suntan.
- People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without one.
- Inverse Law of Patches: A diver’s ability is inversely proportional to the number of patches they wear
- Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected sex with a stranger.
- Never clear a snorkel on a Mexican Federale’
- Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn’t been diving or is a bad liar.
- Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of the Equator.
- People say the funniest things when you shut their air off.
- Never have sex underwater above a coral reef.
- Dry Suits and Beers do not mix
- Buddies are never where you need them to be.
- You WILL run out of film before the Whale Shark Swims By
- 60 minute camcorder batteries aren’t 60 minutes
One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
- Acid
- Marijuana
- Black Russians
- Prosaic
- Sleeping Pills
You Might be a Redneck Diver if…
- You have a large number 3 on the front of your wetsuit instead of Mares.
- Instead of velcro on your BCD you have a large metal buckle.
- Instead of an octopus you have a siphon hose.
- Instead of lead weights you have zip lock baggies filled with #2 shot.
- If you think Jacques Cousteau is an athletic supporter made in France.
- You have a gun rack on your BC.
- You carry a siphon hose instead of an octopus.
- You have fin marks on your living room carpet.
- You use a tire gauge instead of an SPG.
- Your dive knife is a Bowie knife.
- Your two teeth won’t hold your regulator in very well.
How to avoid shark attacks:
- Never Leave Kansas
- Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
- Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
- Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy
You can spot divers by:
- Funny Tan Lines
- Big Watch
- Says “Huh” alot
- Bad shocks and springs in car
- Scars from trigger fish bites
- Expertise on anti-histamines
You can spot old time divers by:
- Funny Tan Lines
- Big Expensive Watch
- Old Jeep with bad shocks
- Log Book has volume number on cover
- Deaf in at least one ear
- Has multiple scars.
- Has cylinders older than you are
- Talks about making their first wet suit
- Dive gear is faded
- Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis
You can spot newbie divers by:
- Sunburned
- Timex Watch
- Nice car
- Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
- No diving related scars
- Says “Wow, did you see that” alot
- Equipment looks nice
- Perfect hearing
Buddy Method
My SCUBA instructor always stressed that you should never go diving alone. If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you. If you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are 50-50 instead of 100%.
Apnea Diving
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?” The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”
Buccaneers
Two divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, “It’s those Buccaneers!!!” To which the other replies, “Yeah, mine are hurting too!”
Boat
Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please sent photo of boat.
PADI Fun
Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean. There is a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine until the boat springs a leak and starts to sink. The SSI instructor says to his students, “Okay, we’re in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive.” The NAUI instructor says to his students, “Okay, we might as well do our navigation dive, so let’s get our compasses out and swim towards shore.” The PADI instructor says to his students, “Okay, for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!”
Whale
Q. How many people does it take to circumcise a whale? A. Four skin divers.
Two divers go spear fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. The first one says, “I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.” The other answers, “Yes, I made an ‘X’ on the side of the boat to mark the spot.” “You idiot!” cries the first, “How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?”
Name that tune
Bill and Harry had been dive buddies since college. Almost every weekend, they went diving, summer and winter, dry suit or shorty. On one rare occasion, Bill invited Harry to his home for dinner. (Bill was married, Harry was not.) During dinner, Harry noticed that every time Bill spoke to his wife he used very loving terms — Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and so on. It was when Bill’s wife was clearing away the dishes and carried them to the kitchen that Harry remarked, “That is really nice — after all these years that you’ve been married, you still keep calling your wife all those pet names.” Bill looked round quickly and whispered, “To tell you the truth, Harry, I forgot her name years ago.”
Blonde
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the man and she says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!” he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey? He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!” Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?” And the man cries out, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there, too!”
911
A cheep diver bought a surplus Algerian compressor to save fill charges. Only thing was, the instructions were written in Sanskrit and he hooks it up backwards and accidentally removes 3000 pounds from his tank. Unknowingly, he sticks the regulator in his mouth, takes a breath, and is immediately sucked into the tank, never to be heard from again. I understand his widow in Brooklyn has the tank mounted at the corner of the fireplace.
Shark sighted
Two divers were checking a new reef when they saw a shark. The shark circled them, menacingly. One diver took off his fins and reached inside his BC and pulled out a pair of super-power fins. His buddy signaled: What? You can’t out swim a shark! The diver signaled back: I don’t have to out swim the shark – I only have to out swim you!
Club Wife & Lobsters
A few members of a local BSAC club went diving off the South coast, amongst them was Jim and Wilma, a husband and wife who always dived together. On the last dive they got separated, Jim surfaced ok, but his wife was nowhere to be seen. They initiated a search but after a long day and night, it was called off and Jim went back home alone and heartbroken. The next day the club Diving Officer knocked on Jim’s front door and said “I’m really sorry Jim, but I’ve got some bad news, some good news and some very good news”, Fearing the worst Jim said “Give it to me straight, what’s the bad news?” “Well we’ve found your wife’s body” came the solemn reply, “Oh my God” wept Jim…… after a while he said “well, what’s the good news?” The dive officer excitedly said “You wouldn’t believe it, when we brought her up, we got 2 large crabs and 3 huge lobsters!!!” After some time Jim said “what’s the very good new then?” The dive officer said “Well, we’re going to bring her up again tomorrow morning!”
Attorney
Q. Rescue Diver – Question 1. You are in a dive boat and one of the divers, an attorney, falls in the sea. What do you throw him for him to hold onto? A. An anvil!
The Box
There was a bar by a lake used by scuba divers was and a man walked in carrying a cardboard box. He put the box on the bar and ordered a drink. It was quiet, and the bartender was a talkative fellow. He naturally asked what was in the box. The man didn’t answer, but opened the box and took out a miniature grand piano, then a miniature piano stool, and finally, a little man less than a foot tall, who sat at the piano and started to play the most incredible music you had ever heard. “He’s fantastic!” said the barman, “Where did you get him?” “Well,” said the customer, “I had been diving in the lake when I saw this frog swimming in the middle of lake, at about 15 feet, and looking very tired. I took hold of the frog and carried him to the surface. The frog seemed very relieved, so I carried him to the shore. “When I put him down the frog started to talk! He said he wasn’t really a frog, but was a handsome prince turned into a frog by a wicked fairy. And because he had never learned to swim, he wasn’t making a very good job of being a frog. And as I had just saved his life, he was going to grant me a wish. “Now, the frog did seem to have difficulty equalizing as we surfaced, and it must have affected his hearing, because I told him my wish – and that was how I got a 10″ pianist!”
Marooned!
A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, “Oh my God!, I’ve been marooned!”
How to Fail Your Open Water Test
a. Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.
b. Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
c. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for “wossies”.
d. Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm “that’s WAY better”.
e. Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
f. Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.
g. Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 2000 pounds of air in it.
h. When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel brochures.
How do you know your buddy is Narked?
a. He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
b. You find him buddy breathing with a shark.
c. He pees in his dry suit.
d. His mask fogs under water and he spits in it.
e. Your mask fogs and he spits in it.
f. He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.
What Not to Say On a Dive Boat
a. “Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?”
b. “Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?”
c. “Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing ‘DECO VIOLATION’?”
d. “Does anyone else smell smoke?”
e. “What do I do with this bucket of vomit?”
f. “Is that your mask under my tank?”
When do you need to practice better bouyancy control?
a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive.
b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.
c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.
g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don’t fight with your buddy.
How Good Is Your Instructor? You know more than your instructor when:
a. You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
b. He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an ‘oxygen tank’.
c. He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.
d. He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn’t playing.
e. His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
f. You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn’t watch wrestling.
g. If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your breath.
h. He tells you not to worry about your gauges, “YOU’LL KNOW WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF AIR!!”
i. He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won’t cut you as you drag yourself over the reef.
j. He tells you to use all your air underwater – “waste not – want not”.
Do you know your buddy? Your buddy hates you if…
a. He gives you the “wait here” sign and you are still on the boat?
b. He “forgets” to close your dry suit zipper?
c. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his snorkel?
d. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate “I’ll get you some” and swims off?
e. You give him the “OK” signal and he gives you the finger?
f. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven’t taken it off yet?
Is your buddy experienced? You know he is not if…
a. He asks, “which one of these thingies goes in my mouth”?
b. He offers to carry everyone’s gear to the boat?
c. He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen?
d. He’s upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn’t run windows ’98
e. He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water?
f. He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla?
g. He says “Oh, I just wait ’til I get that “tingling feeling”, then I know it’s time to surface”?
The storm
A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. Rain and wind and huge waves pound the boat. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: “I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?” One of the dive masters stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles – already, she is glad for her decision. He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: here, Iron this!”
